Today is the day. It feels like the purge. Downtown Denver is boarded up. My workplace sent an email reminding us of safety precautions. The other day, on the way to the mountains, I saw a Trump Caravan blocking the road I needed to drive on with gas guzzling trucks and SUVs. Things online are tense. My clients have directly asked me if there will be a civil war. That is beyond my imagination and I certainly hope not. I have long accepted what little control I have in some of the big picture things, but focus on the things I can control. This post might be a bit overdue or it might be a good reminder with the election, holidays coming up, and another Covid spike. Civil war or not, let us not lose the art of having good conversations. I'm a curious person and I ask questions instead of make assumptions. Recently, this has been met with people thinking I want to debate them or that I'm on offense. Like I said, things are tense. How to Have Good Conversations
Bonus to my list of 10 here: Have conversations. Reach out to people you know, people you don't know. If they seem interested, talk to the clerk at the grocery store. With Covid, we are more insulated from each other than ever. The benefits of human connection are not just with established friendships, but also from more generally talking to people.
1. Be prepared for a conversation, not a debate. At the moment, it feels like a lot of people are going into conversations with their "position" ready and steeling themselves up to argue. That is a debate, not a conversation. A conversation is a flowing exchange of thoughts and ideas between two people. Also, a conversation isn't just you spitting out your opinions on anything and everything. Most opinions are less informed than you'd like to believe anyway. 2. Be present. It may seem obvious, but maybe not, given some of the conversations I've had. Even on Facetime and Zoom, put your phone down, shut off the tv in the background, make eye contact, and be in this conversation. Being present includes presence of attention. If you're thinking about what you're going to say next or your to do list, you aren't being present. It is plain disrespectful. 3. Being present helps with this part. Let the conversation go where it goes. A conversation is an exchange between two or more people. It isn't possible to know what the other person will bring up and what that will make you think of. As a person who has to work through some major social anxiety, I know for a fact that if you plan things out, the conversation will feel stifled and not fun. 4. Don't lecture and give advice. It is super annoying when you want to be heard and the other person gives you 10 ideas of what you could do. Also, no one wants to be lectured. One time, my dog was stolen and I had to interact with the police. The police woman lectured me about the collar I was using for my dog. My dog just got stolen! I did not want to be lectured and I got away from her as soon as possible. 5. Ask, don't assume. This is particularly important during hard conversations and with weighty topics. Honestly, I assume a lot about Trump supporters, but within that group, there are individuals. I don't actually know and we all know that to assume makes an ass out of you and me. While you're at it, make sure to ask open ended questions, meaning questions that give the person an opportunity to respond with their actual thoughts. Yes or no questions shut things down quickly. 6. Actively listen. Advanced conversation skills. No, really. Repeat back what you heard the person say. Reflect the feelings you're picking up on. Empathize. You may know, but empathy is imagining being in their shoes and sympathy is feeling bad for someone. Empathy is more impactful for a good conversation. Also, people love talking about themselves and your conversations will be elevated when you let people do that. 7. Depending on the conversation, don't get into too much detail. I'm a therapist and coach. My friends aren't and I assume they don't want details about the latest trauma research just as I don't want details about chemistry that I don't understand. Too much detail can make a conversation dry and boring quick. 8. Going back to the empathy piece, think about that person's perspective and story. Be genuinely interested in that perspective. Talking about a pending civil war with different people means I have to account for each perspective. With white people, there is a general anxiety. With LGBTQ people, there is a fear of losing rights with ACB being confirmed. With BIPOC, there is embodied fear and trauma being triggered right now.
9. Don't make the conversation about you and know when and when not to share details of your own life. Something I consistently see with parents of teens is that they tell their kids their own stories of growing up. It is often irrelevant to the teen's situation and leaves the teenager feeling unheard and misunderstood. If sharing about your situation will be helpful to the other person or add something interesting to the conversation, go for it. Otherwise, it may be invalidating and shut the other person down.
10. This may be my advice for everything, but don't take yourself too serious. If you're taking the time to have a conversation with someone, have fun. Add some levity, especially with the hard conversations. If you say something dumb, it is okay to laugh at yourself. If they offend you, approaching it with humor can be a good way to diffuse any tension.
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