Solitude

I read a l lot of nonfiction. It doesn't all stick. Much of it is an idea for the moment, something I ponder at that time of life. A lot of the nonfiction I read is to be better at helping people, to have the evidence for what I'm doing, and to have perspective on my own ideas. On occasion, a book and its ideas stand out and stick with me for a while. One such book is Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport. To summarize it, he is encouraging people to pursue meaningful stuff in life and minimize how much we go for the low hanging fruit of technology. The idea is to apply the philosophy of minimalism to our online life as well, within reason. There is a lot to say about the book and digital minimalism. I was surprised that one of the chapters highlighted the benefits of solitude and this has been on my mind ever since. It seems sort of paradoxical that solitude actually helps our relationships. Simply put, solitude is a state of being alone and enjoying your own company, not feeling lonely. Loneliness has gotten a lot of attention recently and that is more about a negative state and perception about being alone. Perhaps if solitude was more valued, we'd be less lonely. I would add that solitude means engaging with yourself, being free from influence, and a way to find our inner true north. With the pandemic, things have slowed down in a way, but the online world is noisy. The news cycle, stories on IG, Twitter feeds, etc, brings a lot of noise to our lives and interrupts our own thinking and reflection. In essence, we're consuming without taking a step back to have our own thoughts. Solitude is a topic that has been discussed for the ages by Benjamin Franklin, Greek philosophers, and Thoreau to name a few. It doesn't have to mean living in a cabin and having our own Walden experience. Reading and deeply thinking can be solitude, taking a walk by yourself without listening to a podcast can be solitude, or just being away from your phone for a few days can be solitude. Being free from influence allows us to think our own thoughts, get creative, and explore our inner world. It also helps us get better at dealing with the anxiety that comes with being disconnected. The more we disconnect, the easier it gets, and we can appreciate it. In addition to all of those wonderful things, it helps us have richer relationships. Sherry Turke is a MIT researcher who has researched this. She says it better than I could:

"Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don’t have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we’re not able to appreciate who they are. It’s as though we’re using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self.” It is akin to why people get married and divorced three or four times. It is important to spend some time alone and figure out what you really want instead of serially dating or marrying. Aside from that, we can't authentically connect to other people by parroting thoughts and information we read on the internet or hear in podcasts. We connect with other people by being in the moment and responding to people using our real thoughts and feelings in that moment. Knowing who you are, what you want or don't want, and where to draw your lines in the sand are powerful medicine for having great relationships. I've said it for a while, but if you want to have better friendships, family relationships, community, any type of relationship, it starts with you. You have to appreciate yourself and know yourself first. Otherwise, disconnection and being alone feels lonely, because you're seeking a band aid for an internal wound that can be bandaged. Most things are an inside job. Solitude is one way to cultivate self awareness and hopefully appreciation. Some ideas for practicing being in solitude: Taking a break from social media Going on a walk without listening to anything Taking 5 minutes to sit in silence Doing one thing at a time, like eating without watching or listening or reading something Writing