What the World Needs Now

The Jetsons basically predicted that we would have video calls in the future. What they didn't and couldn't predict is that 2020 would be the wildest year of our collective lives. I've written before about feeling prepared for 2020 because I've lived with uncertainty, isolation, financial restrictions, and staying at home before. We probably all have to some degree, but this is different in that we're all in this together and affected in some way or another. Even though we are socially isolating, hopefully, and staying in our homes, we need each other more than ever. Our brains are wired for us to be social creatures. A 2015 study by Matthew Lieberman, showed that our brains have two modes, the one that connects with the physical world and a social mode. Our brain defaults to the social mode. When we have a few seconds, the brain will be thinking about social interactions. It is a wonderful product of evolution. When we don't connect, that part of our brain is still working, which leads to loneliness and even PTSD from too much social isolation. Nerd alert. I love research and I am a nerd about friendship. There is starting to be more and more research showing how important it is to our health, happiness, and longevity. That is the whole reason I decided to coach people about friendship. Anecdotally, I meet with a lot of people who are distraught about ambivalent friendships, grieving over lost friendships, or profoundly lonely. Most of these people have friends and coworkers, but they are often not feeling as connected, supported, or fulfilled by their relationship as they would like. During this pandemic, I'm meeting with more and more people who live alone, work at home, get their groceries delivered, and essentially have no human contact. It is making people anxious, depressed, distraught, and in the long term, will probably be worse for their health than anyone knows now. Between this devastating pandemic, the economic recession, and a resurgence in people protesting about important social justice issues, friendship might seem like a luxury or yet another thing on our plates. Even writing about friendship right now feels frivolous, yet I'm convinced it is the thing the world needs right now. We need our friends, our communities, and to work together more than ever. Stress and loneliness impact our immune system, which is super important in preventing and recovering from covid. One study showed that loneliness can be as detrimental to our health as smoking cigarettes. If we're not keeping up with our friends, we all become high risk, not just to covid itself, but to psychological problems. Not to add to our plates, but friendship is just as important as diet, exercise, not smoking, and as I mentioned above, it is our default mode. Covid aside, friendship is probably also key in dismantling systems of oppression, such as racism. I don't think any research proves that, but it logically follows. No closet racists have appeared in my friend group. Yet, I know that some people have stopped being friends because of a person expressing overt racism. That is just one example of how this time is changing our friendships. We are seeing our friends less and have less of a chance to meet new people. People are disagreeing about how serious covid is, about how seriously we should social distance, and about the protests. I have had to have a few tough conversations about boundaries related to covid, i.e. please don't hug me. A positive change is that old friends are crawling out of the wood work. They are old friends because they didn't prioritize the friendship as much as I did, which I accept. However, these people seem to get how important friends are right now. Even for a person like me who prioritizes friendships, I go through moments of not wanting to connect with anyone. Professionally, I'm on zoom all day, so it is exhausting to do another zoom call. I don't want to hear something from a friend that makes me think of them differently. I don't want to have to tell that friend to not hug me, because it feels so cold. Some days, the world is overwhelming and reaching out a friend to support them feels like too much. At times, doing something fun with a friend comes with a lot of guilt. How can I be having such a good time when so many people are suffering right now? Many people are suffering, but not having a good time isn't going to change that. Seeing my friends and having a good time with them reduces the suffering. Friendship helps us grow, see the hope, and brings us joy. It seems like if anything is going to help us approach the world from a level state, hope and joy will go along way. One spark can get a fire going. This pandemic continues and may get worse. Someone you know will probably suffer in one way or another and they will need to know they can call you. An important person in my life died, not from Covid, and I feel so much gratitude that we prioritized spending time together even when we were both busy. Writing this is for you and for me. I've been fairly quiet about coaching and about friendship in the past several months. It just didn't feel relevant. I didn't feel like I had anything to say that mattered during this time. I realize now that it is more relevant than ever and I'm not going to stay quiet about it. You and I alone can't stop the spread of covid, change racial injustice, or boost employment. If we all work together though, change will happen. There are a million articles at this point about how to stay connected to your friends during this pandemic. The first place to start is to decide to prioritize your friendships. The world needs good friendships more than ever.